We loved this ages ago, now it's getting released: Little Comets 'Joanna'

Some things take a very long time to come to fruition: a little sperm turning into an ugly baby, a century egg, Robot doing his washing up.

Similarly, it's taken a long time for Little Comets' track 'Joanna' to go from this video taken in Sheffield in 2009:



To this reswizzled (technical term), all wrapped up in a very nice video, and ready to be a single version:



'Joanna' is one of those songs that is very simple to understand. It's just good because of its very essence of being good. There is no musical critique to waffle on about. It's good. And if you don't get that it's good you're an idiot.

If your name is not Joanna, and you feel you can't relate to the song for that reason then we suggest you pretend the lyrics are "D'ya wanna, d'ya wanna, d'ya wanna".

As an aside, we imagine there should really be a nice Fear Of Tigers (other remixers are available) remix kicking around by the time it gets released. Just a suggestion.

'Joanna' is (finally) released on 17th January 2011.

Oh, also we've been told we can give you this. An acapella version of 'Joanna' called the Joannacapella version. That's the sort of awful name RobotPigeon would come up with. Well done whoever thought of that:

Little Comets - Joannacapella:

A post about the X Factor 'Heroes' video (by guest blogger Konnie Huq)

Hello everyone it is me Konnie Huq. My name is Konnie Huq and hello. I work on The Xtra Factor. It is brilliant. It is on every Saturday and Sunday on BBC 2 straight after the main show. I am the presenter. It's quite easy I just do what I did on Blue Peter, but instead of Blue Peter badges they win a record contract.

However, I am not here to advertise the show. That is what the tabloids are for. Robot & Pigeon have asked me to write a few words about what I think of the video for the X Factor charity single 'Heroes' and so here is what I think of it.

Here is Wagner and his karate medals. Everyone wonders why he is still in the show, but he is sooooo funny isn't he, and if we can get him to win it will be one up on Simon and all this manufactured rubbish.

Bit surprised they couldn't afford to do the whole video in colour. Matt opens the song in his trademark hat. Once, for a joke, I put super glue round the edges. They had to wait for his hair to grow out before they could cut it off. What am I like?!

Rebecca had made a puppet out of an old sock that she was operating here, but they didn't think it fitted with the tone so they had to digitally erase it frame by frame afterwards. I thought it was really funny. She's a right laugh - she only wore that top for a dare. Bugger, I owe her five pounds now, shouldn't have mentioned it.

This is Page (about to eat the microphone LOL). Still can't believe Louis said he was like "a young Lenny Henry". Eek, bit racist, not all black people look the same you know.

Alexandra Burke.

Katie Weasle. Everyone here hates her. Except Simon. He says she makes good tv because she is so rubbish and annoying. Bit surprised he would keep on someone useless to be honest.

Not sure why The Saturdays are on this. Bet Nadine is gutted she went off to do her solo single. At least she doesn't mime though. Don't tell Cheryl I said that - she's still mad at me for putting that red dye in her shampoo.

Aiden Grimshaw. I didn't like him so while Durmot wasn't looking I tippexed out a digit from his vote tally up and he went out. Haha go Konnie.

Asda Mary. Not sure who that man is. I think he may be a runner on the show. I don't talk to the runners. They are so annoying. They keep doing this windmill sign with their hand at me and then going to an advert break when I am in the middle of a sentence. What with that and the producers always chatting in my ear I'm surprised I even know what I'm doing half the time.

Cher. She must have had so much plastic surgery - she looks about 16 these days. (I know that's not the old lady Cher really, just my little joke LOL).

One Direction. I thought they were younger than this, but these were all the people recording backing vocals for their performance so it is definitely them.

Danny Minogue managed to worm her way in. Look at her getting a hunky soldier. Cheeky!

And finally here is my cameo. Haha, no-one even knew it was me in the Santa outfit. I was putting some sandwiches from the buffet in my handbag here!

So that is it. It's rubbish isn't it! So long and boring. You can watch it if you want I stole the master copy and uploaded it to Youtube. Don't tell Simon!

The week that was this week

Because sometimes we are just too busy complaining to the council about the bed our Spanish neighbours have dumped in the garden to write about everything we've seen and heard this week.

Beyonce's commercial got banned for being too rude
It should probably be banned on the grounds that it smells like a cat's colostomy bag (this suggestion is entirely unfounded and solely for the purposes of a cheap 'laugh'), but apparently the advert showing Beyonce setting fire to Homebase's wallpaper department is not suitable for delicate eyes.



Penguin Prison played some London shows and was fucking brilliant
He was at Yoyo last night. And it was amazing - again (he was at Gold Dust last week). Why this man is not the biggest pop star on the planet right now is completely beyond us. He's at XOYO next week, and also all over Europe. Check him out or cry acid for the rest of your life. Dates here.

Adele put a new song out
Here she is singing it on something European:



Called 'Rolling In The Deep' it's the first new Adele material to be heard in a very long time (following that Dylan cover being murdered by everyone on XFactor) and boy was it worth the wait. This is everything we want from a young singer songwriter. Very exciting.

David E Sugar let some children paint him
Bet he was pissed off they gave him ginger hair



This song is called 'Flea Market'. We would suggest that instead of spending money on fleas you invest in Mr Sugar's album which is here. Or, if you just want one song, the single was out on Monday.

And that is everything that happened this week.

Everything about this Le Corps Mince de Françoise video is good

From the song to the visuals to the girls to the old bald, hippy dude at the beginning.*

We also like that we are able to sum up 'Gandhi', the first major single from Finnish electro-lady trio Le Corps Mince de Françoise, as:

MIA + Yelle. Simple huh?

More easily pigeonholed popstars would be nice please.

This song is released next Monday. It will probably clash with a lot of big, important new singles being released in the Christmas run-up but we are sure this taken into account when planning the release date and that 'Gandhi' wasn't really intended to compete with Susan Boyle, 'Gamu' and whichever other people have tossed their hats into the race for Christmas No.1

*'lol' - we know who this is.

Robot's French GSCE 'b' grade put to good use writing about 'You Are The Woman' by Mansfield TYA

Before we introduced the amazing Anoraak remix of 'You Are The Woman' by a band called Mansfield TYA we wanted to give some background to the band first. Where they were from, who was in the band and what they had done previously.

However, this plan was buggered when the most comprehensive description of Mansfield TYA was this: "Ces deux jeunes femmes nantaises proposent un mélange aussi bien au niveau de leurs personnalités que des instruments choisis tout en harmonie. Les balades de ce curieux duo, souvent en anglais et parfois en français, nous emmènent dans un univers sombre et mélancolique au son de la guitare électrique de Julia ou du violon. Ce qui ressort de ce duo est la complicité entre ces deux artistes différents."

But we have studied French while at Redruth Community School, so here is an attempt to translate:

"The two women propose a nice meeting of personalities and instruments that they choose for harmonies. The ballads are of a curious duo, both in English and French. We come from a melancholy universe with an electric guitar and Julia's violin. Why resort to complicated entrances if the artists are different'.

We estimate about 10% of the above is correct.

ANYWAY.

We know they are French and that their track 'You Are The Woman' has been remixed by the amazing Anoraak people into a smooth, Tuesday morning sort of dance record which won't have you flipping your office desk in sheer ecstasy but will make you feel all nostalgic for the weekend and make you think that going out again this coming weekend will be a marvellous idea. It is both subtle and 100% danceable.

Mansfield TYA 'You Are The Woman' (Anoraak remix)

*We should possibly apologise to both Mansfield FYA and the entire French nation for the above*

A little winter sunshine courtesy of Cut Copy's new single, 'Take Me Over'

Of all the known words likely to grab our attention, the ones 'new' and 'Cut Copy single' are some of our favourites. Anyone familiar with the work of the Melbourne band will be fully aware that when it comes to effortless, sun-soaked pop music - no one does it better than this lot.

New single 'Take Me Over' almost takes the whole sunshine vibe a little too far, with an almost calypso opening which fortunately stays on the right side of 'limbo night at an 18-30s night' and is quickly sidelined in favour of a little business-as-usual Cut Copy sounding feelgood pop which makes us long for days spent sat on grass wearing vests instead of huddled in our flats wearing thick socks and secretly sneaking on the heating for a glorious half hour of warmth before someone notices and yells 'PUT A BLOODY JUMPER ON'.

But this Fleetwood Mac-esque piece of brilliance is keeping us warm today.

Cut Copy 'Take Me Over'

'Take Me Over' is apparently 'out now' but a quick look on iTunes reveals that this is not true. Hopefully we can put a little more faith in news that the third Cut Copy album, 'Zonoscope' will be released across Europe on 7 February and that the band will be showing up at the following places on the following dates to sing some songs et al.

Thurs 3 March - Glasgow - Death Disco Special
Sat March 6th – Manchester – Now Wave @ Gorilla
Sun 6 March – London - The Forum
Tues 8 March - Oslo - Rockerfeller
Wed 9 March - Malmo - KB
Thurs 10 March – Copenhagen - Loppen
Fri 11 March – Stockholm - The Strand
Sat 12 March – Helsinki - House of Culture
Mon 14 March – Tallin - Rock Café
Wed 16 March - Berlin - Lido
Thurs 17 March - Koln - Gebaeude 9
Fri 18 March – Amsterdam - Melkweg
Sat 19 March - Paris - Casino Nouveau
Wed 23 March - Lisbon - Coliseum

In other words, a European tour. Exciting? Yes.

Yo-Ho-Homosexuals at sea: 'Gay Pirates' Cosmo Jarvis

In what world is a song called 'Gay Pirates' a) not a piss take, b) actually rather touching and c) also rather rousingly brilliant? Turns out IN THIS WORLD it is a, b and c. All thanks to a singer called Cosmo Jarvis.

Cosmo Jarvis is a man from Devon with a guitar (wait, come back). This isn't another mouldy old folk singer who hangs out round the camp fire counting his dreadlocks. Cosmo Jarvis is more like Conor Oberst, Mumford & Sons and Larrakin Love (RIP). 'Gay Pirates' infuses this sound with a rather gruesome episode of Time Team and the wry wink of Pam Ayres.

If you're not singing "Yo ho Sebastian" by the end of this video you have no soul.



When we asked Cosmo's PR people for some info on the song they sent over the press release, which includes this:

"The single is certainly a love song, let’s get that straight, but it challenges the conventions that define what a love song is. This is a song written for a definite reason, and aside from being vintage Cosmo, it is focused on breaking down the homophobic residue that still remains today; hundreds of years after the glimpse of society he exposes in the song."

And it's one of the few times we've felt a press release has actually rather neatly summed up the ethos of the track without descending into nonsense from the big PR book of ridiculously over the top adjectives.

This really is very very good indeed. There's is a free download of the live version of the track here.

'Gay Pirates' is released early next year. We're sure if you keep an eye on Cosmo's Myspace he'll give you a heads up.

DO NOT LET THE BEARDS FOOL YOU, Bag Raiders know a lot about pop music (as the following mixtape proves)

We've not posted a decent mixtape on here for ages. We've not posted a shit mixtape on here for a while either - NOT THAT WE EVER DID (lols).

Now, while we're not exactly on speaking terms with Aussie dance duo Bag Raiders at the moment (their refusal to release their debut album in the UK or tour anywhere outside of Australia is rather annoying) we love everything about them and they excite us in ways that most other DJ/producer combos do not.

Bag Raiders own music is best described a 'sun-drenched boy-pop' and falls nicely between the work of Pnau and Cut Copy - taking the uplifting dance elements of Pnau and mixing in the indie-pop songsmithery (not an actual word) of Cut Copy. But at the same time creating a wonderful world of fun dance pop of their own.

Sooner or later we hope they will see fit to release something in the UK, but in the meantime we'll have to make do with the dribs and drabs that trickle through the internet - such as the following feelgood mix Bag Raiders put together for Triple J radio. As an insight to their influences, the mix of eighties silliness and cool modern pop brilliance makes total sense of tracks such as 'Way Back Home' and 'Shooting Stars'.

Here is the mixtape.



Here is the tracklisting.

Funky Boogie – John Ozila
Go Upstairs (Maurice Fulton Mix) – Soul Mekanik
Yo Son (Prince Language Edit) – Ahmed Fakroun
Eclipse – Softwar
Liztomania (Classixx remix) – Phoenix
Cocaine Blues – Escort
Body Stop – Touch Sensitive
Reach Out – George Duke
Swoon (Lindstrom & Prins Thomas) – Chemical Brothers
Static On The Wire (RAC REMIX) – Holy Ghost
Blue Skies (The Twelves Remix) – Noah and The Whale
Any Which Way (Tensnake Remix) – Scissor Sisters
Beam Me Up (Jacques Renault Remix) – Midnight Magic
What Have You? (White Girl Lust Remix) – Diamond Lights
Happy House – The Juan Maclean
Italo Journey (Mighty Mouse Remix) – Luke Million
Groove Me (Rory Phillips Remix) – Maximum Balloon
Faralle – Mickey

Boobs, bottoms, willies, mimsies and some possible fisting. It's the new Klaxons video: 'Twin Flames'

Sometimes we do a gasp if we are watching a film and a boob pops up unexpectedly, but we are not prudes. We have seen some rude films. We have seen The Idiots, Shortbus, 9 Songs and Emmanuel. We've even seen Gillian Anderson do something unspeakable with a shotgun in Straightheads. So we know what naked people look like. And yet, enlightened as we are, even we were shocked by The Klaxons' video for 'Twin Flames'

Get ready to cover your eyes...



The video, clearly inspired by the work of The Chapman Brothers, was directed by Saam Farahmand who went to posh art school Goldsmiths and recently directed a video for The XX.

In the interest of art and journalism we've done some screencaps in case the video gets taken offline. Don't let your mum catch you looking at this.

Don't think we're not clever enough to have noticed the video's meta-textual narrative moral of the drum (read: music) being censored.

Here are two ladies kissing. One of them has probably just lent the other her scarf and she is saying thank you. There is nothing sexual implied here at all.

Is this some Klaxon on Klaxon action? Honestly, these young chaps growing their hair all long and silky. It's so hard to tell these days.

And this is definitely some Klaxon on Klaxon action. A Klaxons Pushmepullyou if you will.

Boobs. Two.

Here we can see a Klaxon's bottom and a phallic knee.

And it has the same ending as the film 'Society'. You can't get a cultural reference past us. Or some gratuitous nudity.

Right, we're off to take a pregnancy test.

Here is a video of Kylie Minogue playing silly beggars in a car park with Taio Cruz

Poor old Kylie Minogue. While sister Dannii only becomes more and more popular for her role on The X Factor and her ever inventive hairstyles, the older Minogue is forced to remain nothing more than a pop superstar and forced to hang around with the likes of Taio Cruz in dimly lit, underground car parks.

It is a tough old life.

Here is what the pair's 'Higher' video looks like.



It was probably quite chilly making this. However, we're sure all the money BMW spunked up to have their logo appear as the third most important presence in the video was a nice cushion from the cold.

Something we like: Le Rev 'Lucky You'

Patti Smith, Hole, Yeah Yeah Yeahs...just a handful of lazy comparisons we could come up with to describe a lady singing over some throbbing guitar riffs. But sometimes lazy comparisons are useful because they mean that you understand what we're talking about without us having to write many words.

If you want us to be a bit more journalistic we could take some facts from Le Rev's myspace page and put them into sentences. Le Rev are CC Sheffield and Nico Chiotellis. CC is a girl. Nico is a boy. That is not immediately evident from their names alone. They come from Los Angeles. According to their press release "With its theatrical lyrics and guttural guitar riffs, Le Rev dances a fine line between Hollywood histrionics and indie eastside aesthetics." That's a load of waffly old twaddle.

If you really want to know about Le Rev you should watch this:



Le Rev's photos, artwork and videos suggest a carefully crafted lo fi feeling that echoes a kind of 60s mystique, whilst their music is sparse and grungy in a way that subtly suggests something very exciting is to come. Lucky us.

'Lucky You' is released on 6th December through Two Black Cats.

You can read the information we have regurgitated from their myspace page here

We love that this is how Daft Punk (circa 2010) sound

When we first heard that Daft Punk were recording the Tron soundtrack we decided that we would just be happy if somewhere along the way there was a song a bit like 'One More Time'. We now realise that this was foolish. We now realise that this was now foolish because having heard the following, we are completely in love with the dark, orchestral and slightly terrifying sounds of their Tron Soundtrack.

Here is a six minute taster of the Daft Punk Tron soundtrack.



Plus, what would Disney have said if Daft Punk had just cobbled together a remake of one of their old hits, made to satisfy long-term fans like us? They would have said something along the lines of: "Fuck off you bloody bastard Robot c***ts, this is just a fucking remake of One More bloody Time and will sound bollocking ridiculous in a fucking movie about future people on sodding bikes in knobbing cyberspace." Because that's how people at Disney speak.

The Tron Soundtrack is already one of the most exciting albums of the year. For us anyway.

Overly dramatic announcement from Apple

This appeared on www.apple.com earlier:
We find Tuesdays are usually quite rubbish so it will have to be something pretty special to get us excited.

From the cryptic clues we are guessing it is either:

a) "Tomorrow" = A reference to a 3D re-release of the classic annoying-red-headed-orphan-made-good musical 'Annie'?
b) "never forget" = A reference to Robbie announcing he's leaving Take That (again)?
c) "just another day" = A reference to Phil Collins taking us all to paradise?

The likelihood is it's none of the above because a)none of them is very probable and b)nor even particularly funny.

A friend of ours (let's call him 'Google') has suggested the announcement is about The Beatles' music being made available on iTunes. If that is the case it's almost as bad as any of our suggestions. After all, everyone knows The Beatles are over-hyped and just a little bit rubbish. *throws arms over head and runs for cover behind the sofa*

The week that was this week

Because sometimes we are too busy interviewing Cocknbullkid to write about everything that we've seen and heard this week.

Ellie Goulding ditched something brilliant in favour of some cash
Last we heard Ellie Goulding was going to release the very lovely (originally album only download) 'Lights' as her next single. Instead, she ditched it, and has chosen to do this:



Ew.

To find out why Ellie's team have gone and done that we read the record label's mind (or, at least, the description under the youtube video) and it said that this is: "Ellie's video for 'Your Song', as featured in John Lewis' Christmas TV advert."
The only good thing about that sentence is the correct use of the apostrophe.

Ker, and indeed, ching.

In contrast, Mariah shows us exactly the right method of cashing in on Christmas


When she does the "so you can scoop 'em up" line does anyone else imagine Santa cleaning dog shit off the street?

There are two phrases we are sick of hearing. One of them is "Another Ke$ha song has gone online"
Although, in fairness, 'Blow' is pretty bloody great, and ten points for managing to avoid adding the word "jobs" at any point (that's going to be a fun thing to shout when they play this in clubs isn't it?)

Ke$ha 'Blow':

'Cannibal', the Lady Gaga-esque re-release that's actually a whole new album, is shaping up to be fantastic. Anyone who is still bemoaning Ke$ha on the basis of her image is really going to miss out on some great pop music.

The other phrase we're sick of hearing is "Another Robyn song has gone online"
'With Every Heartbeat' is going to forever be the albatross around Robyn's neck, but if 'Call Your Girlfriend' is anything to go by she's certainly making big steps towards (away from) shattering that misnomer.

Robyn 'Call Your Girlfriend':

It feels like Robyn has released 8 million albums in the past year, but if it occasionally throws up a song as good as this who cares.

And that is everything that happened this week

Crystal Castles & Robert Smith 'Not In Love' download

An early Christmas gift from us to you (shamelessly stolen from elsewhere on the internet). We'll probably get in trouble for this, but "whatevs" (as the kids are saying), it's just too good to pass up.

This track is fucking fantastic and just gets better and better with every listen.

Crystal Castles feat. Robert Smith 'Not In Love':We've already made some rubbish jokes about it here if you're interested.

Plus, a great debt of gratitude is owed to this:

Spot The Difference: Will.I.Am + Nicki Minaj (AND CHERYL COLE!)

This borders on being hilarious/tragic. Cheryl Cole, not content with shoe-horning her distinctive (LOL) vocals onto 'Check It Out', has gone and edited herself into the video.

It looks like she's used the same green screen technique as 80s tv show Look & Read used to make 'Wordy' float (evidence of obscure 80s reference here).

This is a great example of how some people (Nicki Minaj) are effortlessly amusing and cool pop stars, whilst others, really, are not.






If you want a good laugh, the full video is here. We'll post it when someone unemployed has the time to rip it and upload to YouTube.

An amazing new single from those two men who are neither Daft Punk or Justice (ie. Digitalism)

If you were planning a quiet week, look away now. Because what follows will ruin all your plans of staying in, catching up on sleep, phoning your mum and perhaps going for a run around the park.

It's the new single and video from Digitalism basically, the German producer duo who never quite gained the acclaim they deserved for their singles 'Pogo' and 'Idealistic'. 'Underrated' some might say. Other might just say: 'shouldn't have released their debut album at the same time as Justice'.

But while the French pretenders continue their extended vacation from the pop world, Digitalism are back with an incredible new single, which, despite sounding like it could have come straight from their debut album 'Idealism', still sounds fresh and modern and very 'November 2010'. Which basically goes to show how amazing their album still sounds today.

The following 3:36 is too exciting to even think about an early night. At any point. Ever.

Hooray, you can pre-order 'Golden Train' by Penguin Prison and you really should because it's one of the best songs we heard this year

Aside from being one of the best songs we heard this year, 'Golden Train' is also one of the best songs we heard this year. And in addition to that 'Golden Train' is one of the best songs we heard this year. As well as being one of the best songs we heard this year.

'Golden Train' (one of the best songs we heard this year) is by Penguin Prison. You may remember him from our eye opening interview earlier in the year where he confessed to recording one of the best songs we heard this year.

Penguin Prison 'Golden Train':

There's also a steel drumtastic Royal Palms remix (which you can download for free).

Penguin Prison 'Golden Train' Royal Palms remix:

And a dubsteptastic Jakwob remix, the beginning of which reminds us of a slowed down 'Raining Men' by The Weathergirls. Now there's two names we never thought we'd see in the same sentence.

Penguin Prison 'Golden Train' Jakwob 'inspired by The Weathergirls' remix:

You can buy 'Golden Train' HERE if you live in the UK, and HERE if you live abroad.

Now let's make this a hit so we can get Penguin Prison's album out shall we?

The week that was this week

Because sometimes we are too busy celebrating Diwali by having a massive Indian dinner to write about everything we've seen and heard this week...

1. Robot and Pigeon argued over Nicki Miniaj and Will.I.Am

There's lots of talk about Nicki Miniaj at the moment. She's done a song with Will.I.Am called 'Check It Out'. At one point it had Cheryl Cole on it too, but she seems to have vanished from the release. Maybe Will.I.Am is with us in thinking Cheryl's home hair dye was a mistake.

Anyway, with or without Cheryl, Pigeon likes the video for 'Check It Out', but thinks the song itself is a bit shit (with special hatred for the Buggles sample), whilst Robot thinks both are wonderful. So we've yet to come to any firm decision. We will of course keep you posted. In the meantime, if you can form an opinion all by yourself then you can listen below.

Beware, these two are a right pair of potty mouths.



2. Jupiter remixed Aanorak and it was, predictably, fantastic

We love Anoraak. We love Jupiter. They quite often fiddle about with each other (not in a sexy sense) and we love the results. This time Jupiter have remixed Anoraak's 'Try Me' and made it all spangly. We love it. You can get it here for free.

3. Chad Valley announced the release of their EP

Chad Valley (who are actually just one man called Hugo), have now made an EP. It is called 'Chad Valley'. Sometimes calling your EP the same name as your band is referred to as 'self-titled'. In this case, as there is a toy firm called Chad Valley, we like to think that it's not self titled and is in fact referring to the board game manufacturer. Chad Valley sound not unlike this, which is a song called 'Ensoniq Funk'. It's kind of dreamy and uplifting. Lovely.



'Chad Valley' is released on November 23rd. Chad Valley are going to be big. Buy it and then sell it on ebay once they're famous at an extortionate price.

4. Robot and Pigeon got quite drunk and had a discussion about The Saturdays

The Saturdays officially release 'Higher' this week. Because of digital downloads it's been sniffing around the charts like a dog on another dog's bottom for 10 weeks now. Last Sunday it was at number 22.

As Robot pointed out, whilst this will probably do quite well in this week's chart, if you added all the sales of the single to date together it could easily have been a number 1. It's a great song and has probably made a load of cash for the label, but it's the sort of hit that the Saturdays really needed to cement themselves in the public's conscious. The sooner this rule about putting tracks up for sale online the minute they hit the radio comes into play the better.

Here's the version of 'Higher' without the shouty rapper.



And that is everything that happened this week.

Here is another song from Ke$ha's new Cannibal album

And apart from the unforgivable 'Tik Tok' rip-off at 2.07, title track 'Cannibal' is just one more justification as to why Ke$ha is one of our favourite people on the planet.

'Cannibal' is the perfect example of why people love or hate this woman - a dirty, lightweight pop anthem about not a lot and eating body-parts that straddles the fine line of genius and infantile. And we're definitely in favour of infantile geniuses.

We are also enjoying the lyric: 'I think you're hot I think your cool / you're the kind of guy i'd stalk at school / but now that i'm famous you're up my anus'.

Ke$ha is probably the only popstar that could use the technical term for 'bumhole' in a potential future single.

Never Mind The Punchline: RobotPigeon get all huffy about Jedward on Buzzcocks

Jedward provoke one of two reactions. If you're a 14 year old girl (or RobotPigeon) with no idea of what a tune sounds like they are hilarious and entertaining. If you're anyone else in the world they are the most irritating, useless and talentless human beings in existence. The difference between the two reactions is that the 14 year old girls are giving a genuine reaction, whilst everyone else in the world is expressing an opinion founded in assumption and media presentation.

Jedward appeared on Never Mind The Buzzcocks last night, and were, obviously, the subject of much ridicule. Nothing wrong there you might think. After all, Simon Amstell's period hosting the music quiz was much lauded for Amstell's mocking of guests.

The thing with Amstell was that you always felt a) it was founded in truth and b) the guests deserved it. When, for example, he tried to stage an intervention to save Amy Winehouse from drink and drugs no-one thought "oh that's out of line, the girl has clearly never been near anything stronger than a paracetamol". As a c), and this is probably the most important point, Amstell was actually funny.

The quality of the jokes about Jedward last night can be embodied in the words "shut" and "up". Yes, that's right, Jedward are noisy. So having people tell them to "shut up" is hilarious, right? The joke was dragged out to the extent that as part of the missing lyrics round someone had spent time researching songs with the words "shut up" in them. Is that seriously the best joke about Jedward that a team of adult comedy writers could muster?

What riled us (and made us waffle an entire post on it) is that criticism leveled at Jedward is founded on the notion that they are pop stars and they can't sing. We're not disputing their musical prowess (although we'd build a defense on an 'entertainment' level), but the irony is that on a show boasting 5 guests who would list 'comedian' as their profession Buzzcocks was simply not funny.

If we're pointing the finger at people who can't do the job they're supposed to surely Katy Brand and Charlie Higson (the one from the Fast Show that is not Paul Whitehouse and is is not Ron Weasley's dad) should be right at the very top of the list.

The show also demonstrated what the alternative to Jedward is. Step forward Eliza Doolittle (never has a name been more apt). She declared at the opening of the show that she would never go on X Factor because she writes her own material. OH FUCK OFF. This is where all this 'integrity' bollocks really grates on us. Doolittle was so inconsequential that the reflection of the lights on the studio floor was more interesting than her.

The fact that two teenage boys with funny hair were given twice as much air time as six other so called entertainers kind of embodies our point. Jedward are not supposed to be the next musical messiahs. They are entertainment. Vacuous and frivolous perhaps, but entertainment nonetheless. And in that capacity they deliver in abundance.

Anyway, we're sure everyone got paid and no-one really gives a toss. It's just sad that grown adults who are useless at their own jobs are allowed to go on national television and make fun of two teenagers having a good time. Apparently that is comedy. RIP Simon Amstell.

*Dismounts high horse and strops off to listen to some Puccini*

The good, the bad and the visually arresting of a November wednesday

We're very busy (both Robot and Pigeon spend our days sat behind desks in different parts of London working on VERY IMPORTANT music thingys) so sometimes, we want to write about something, but by the time we're ready, the internet has already came, seen, conquered and moved on from what we planned to write about.

It's a bit of a bummer.

However, there are three very important things we would like to draw your attention to today.

1. The Good.
Rihanna has recorded her own version of Eminem duet, 'Love The Way You Lie'. By 'her own' we mean that Eminem pops up at the end but his angry shouting doesn't ruin what is essentially a lovely little ballad. A sad ballad. A 'sallad' if you will.


2. The Bad.
Tina Turner songs should probably not be covered. The only thing we can imagine worse than Nicole Scherzinger covering Bond theme 'Goldeneye' for a new computer game is Pussycat Doll bandmate Melody Thornton covering 'We Don't Need Another Hero' for a mobile phone game.


3. The visually arresting.
The new Pink video is highly watchable in the way that all Pink videos are.

Alesha on the 'Radio'

We adore Alesha. There is absolutely NOTHING to dislike about her. She deserves to, and by all accounts should, work as a popstar and has our full backing. But if 'Drummer Boy' can't do it for her (we gushed over it previously) is a drippy old ballad going to work?



Personally, we're not sold on 'Radio'. It's hard for even the biggest artists to pull off a ballad in these cynical times, and to do it well you really need to have something distinctive. Lifting a riff from Robyn's 'Dancing On My Own' is not really distinctive enough.

Part of our problem with this is the video's "let's make Alesha look all glossy and American" vibe, and then she pops up on Strictly Come Dancing on a Saturday and suddenly becomes very accessible and part of grandma's Saturday night viewing.

On the other hand, maybe that's what she's going for. Maybe this is a very smart move. Maybe RobotPigeon is not Alesha's target market any more. X Factor has proved that plugging your song on a Saturday night light entertainment show can shift units, and if it really is grannys who watch Strictly then what are they going to prefer: 'Drummer Boy' or 'Radio'?

At the end of the day we want Alesha to do well. We'll probably buy 'Radio' just to make sure she keeps releasing songs until they nail it. But if this one flops promise us you'll knock the ballads on the head and go back to whoa-bolla-bolla emceeing. Ok? Thanks.

It's released Nov 28th.

PS. Here's how to do a RobotPigeon-appeasing dance ballad with the word 'Radio' in the title:

Some thoughts on this whole 'Nadine Coyle' thing

Oh poor old Nadine Coyle. It's fairly widespread news that her 'Insatiable' single is this week going to plop into the Top Forty somewhere rather unpleasant. After the first midweeks count, it had reached No.35.

This is not good. It is not good because A. being at No.35 is simply not very good and B. because of the following reasons.

1. Nadine is a really good singer, has worked very hard on her debut album and is desperate to be a pop star and a credible one at that, what with all of her I AM DEFINITELY SINGING LIVE UNLIKE YOU KNOW WHO performances on TV and at last weekend's G.A.Y. launch show. Not to mention pictures of her sitting at a piano which is the sort of place you might find other real musicians threatening to bash out a song at any moment - such as Elton John, Lady Gaga or Victoria Wood.

2. Her album, also called 'Insatiable' is very good. Listenable in ways that Cheryl Cole isn't. It sounds like a Girls Aloud album might sound before Cheryl and co got themselves into the studio and did their 'ooohs'.

However, listening to the album, the one awful, clunking mess sat in the middle of it all is 'Insatiable'. Alongside brilliant pop tracks such as 'Chained' or the properly amazing 'Lullaby' it sounds like a trudging mess. She definitely has a nasty case of wrong-first-single-itus. If the songs on this album were bridesmaids at a wedding, 'Insatiable' would be the fat cousin on the edge of the photographs wearing something similar to the other girls -but made out of much more material.

Nadine has fallen at the first hurdle with her debut single, but only the very optimistic pop fans would have expected anything less. The endless delays, the record deal with Tesco and the fact that she is very publicly estranged from the most popular woman in the UK simply didn't add up to a good base to build a pop career on. Her desire to be seen as a true music talent and not just a pop star saw her try to be everything Cheryl isn't - hoping to rely on vocal ability and pretty little cocktail dresses instead of show-stopping dance routines and chic, urban fashion. We live in a world of Tinie Tempah and Step Up: To The Streets - pop fans unfortunately demand a little more than a flash of a leg and bit of trombone. Although it's a shame that record labels and the press make us feel the need to choose at all. We're not forced to choose between Foo Fighters or Kings Of Leon, so why should we only be able to back either Cheryl or Nadine?

But while it may seem that all four wheels have come off the Nadine Coyle project, that there's smoke pouring from the engine and the doors hanging on their hinges, the strength of the tracks on the album could save her yet. She may need a little rethink on how she wants to present Nadine Coyle The Solo Pop Star, because 1:0 has fallen on it's face.

However, the worst thing about all this is the amount of pride Nadine would have to swallow to get back in a room with Girls Aloud and look Successful And Loved Cheryl Cole in the eye if this project ends up going as tits-up as it seems to be. And considering how thin the poor girl looks these, we're guessing that swallowing things isn't her speciality...

Click here to listen to clips from Nadine's debut, and very decent, album, 'Insatiable'.

The Week That Was Last Week

Because sometimes we are just too busy putting razor blades in apples (yes, that was us) to write about everything we saw and heard last week.

Rihanna dropped a fantastic Freudian slip on national television
We've not mentioned how absolutely truly fucking terribly appallingly awful Konnie Huq's 'presenting' is (of The Xtra Factor on ITV2) because it would be like kicking a lame puppy with cancer who's been shot in the head.
It seems she struggles to formulate even the simplest of sentences as she gargles words around her mouth before projectile vomiting them into burps of utter nonsense. So, getting to the point, teaming her up with one of the most vacuous pop stars in existence was always going to produce an interesting result.
Here's what happened when Konnie Huq met Rihanna. The answer to "have you had any ghosts in your house" is one of the best things we've ever seen. Ever. And probably the only honest answer Rihanna has ever given.



Skrillex released Scary Monsters & Nice Sprites EP
Skrillex put out this Halloween appropriate EP last week and it's number 1 on Beatport already. Someone online has describe it as 'rape music', which is pleasant, because it goes hard and then soft. We would go with the slightly lighter description of 'egg music', which does the same job and isn't quite so repellent. Anyway, whatever you call it we like it a lot. You can get it here.

Skrillex 'Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites':

Nicole Scherzingerloler uploaded her video for solo single 'Poison'
'Poison' is absolutely great. A shitting mess, but great none the less. Nicole is also one of the most prettiest ladies we have ever seen. And on X Factor she proved she has a personality. What a bitch. At least her video for 'Poison' was a bit rubbish (much like The Saturday's video for 'Ego': great idea, poor execution)



Katy Perry shot stuff out her boobs (again)
'Firework' is probably one of Katy Perry's best songs ever (the measure of how good that is in real terms depends on how much you rate Perry of course). The audacity of allowing a lyric as heinous as "Boom, boom, boom, even brighter than the moon, moon, moon" to be used earns her kudos, as does the false humanism of "do you ever feel like a plastic bag". The video also follows suit in its worthiness, and shows that thinking about Katy Perry's boobs shooting fireworks can cure cancer, induce labour and make you stop worry about being a big fatty failure. And if she's not taking the piss with all this apparent sincerity then God help us when she decides to release a charity single.



And that is everything that happened last week.

The Taio Cruz and Kylie Minogue single is actually very good

This is the first time we have made a deal (big or otherwise) about Taio Cruz on RobotPigeon. Considering he usually occupies at least 50% of the top forty at any one time, is in daily news stories of all the brilliant, diverse artists (and Peter Andre) he is working with, we figured everyone else might be as over-saturated with Taio Cruz as we are.

But credit where credit's due, his new single 'Higher' is very brilliant indeed. Largely because, by having Kylie Minogue guesting on the single, at least half of the song sounds like Taio Cruz producing a Kylie Minogue song. The other half sounds a lot like a Taio Cruz song.

When you get down to it, Taio Cruz is very good at what he does. He just does a little too much of it. We feel.

Here is the song. We imagine there is something more spectacular planned for the final version of the video, but at least by the time that rolls around we'll know all the words.



Fingers (and bottoms) crossed that this puts Kylie back where she belongs after the 'Get Outta My Way' debacle. By which we mean inside the Top Forty for more than two weeks per single release.